I remember too.

I truly can’t seem to find footing. But who needs to climb? As long as you’re this soul I’ve landed in, I’ll stay here forever. Would you stay with me? Can you see anything here, with it all so dark? Can you see me?

I see you. Everything about you scream for my affection, begs me to the point of involuntary need. Is this how you feel? Can I possibly be the cause of that musical crash of happiness you spare for me? The blushing madness that fills me isn’t the only thing running through my skin. I feel you here already.

The giddy madness of this is only reconciled with the fear of waking. Don’t ask me to go. Beg me to stay. Love me for staying.

Sonnet- old, but good.

Oh no, weep not for want of any thing
Which, being gone or left or sought after,
Has caused thee pain or left a sting.
For I have loved thee for thy white laughter
And for thy keen Cheshire’s imitation.
Indeed, your tears cause me to forge my own.
If thou dost not love this tearful notion,
Let go your fear, let no sadness be sown,
For nothing does seem wanting or decayed
When I may see dear grace and love on they face.
But when I find thee so wholly dismayed,
My stomach doth churn and my mind doth pace
In anxiousness to appease that which takes
Your grin, or makes thy guarded heart to break.

Mindset

Hidden away here, every breath is like rain on a tin roof. things are just a little simpler, a little warmer, a little safer.

i simply see you. like light on closed eyelids, like breath in cold air. i used to be so lost in it that it wasn’t truly visible. i had lost touch. clinging to words like ropes and thoughts like vapor.

i’m here. i see you. i breathe you.

i’m simply not fighting it. i’m not even narrating it. this one’s all you.

so dance with me. lead me, i’ll follow, and i won’t step on your toes. sing with me. love with me.

Kraken

There was once a feeling of so much certainty i thought i must ooze it. i thought the exhausted thudding of my heart must be enough to break my chest. to knock the wind out of me. i thought i couldn’t lose.

i was wrong.

i’m still thudding. still breaking. still knocking.

come back to me, green eyes. come back to my touch. black curtains and lips and teeth and silk. come back to humming. that urgent hum of necessity. it was all a total mess of intensity, but i wouldn’t trade a breath of it. i miss every breath of it. every breath of you.

so here i am, mask aside. relenting. surrendering. here, i’ll chain myself to the wall for you. your very own andromeda. this is my own divine punishment, i suppose, for assuming i was right.

so i was wrong. do with that what you will.

huntsman

surprise me.

shock me.

take my breath away, because you never fail to give it back.

but every once in a while, i don’t want it. every once in a while i ache for a bit of argument. a bit of restraint. a bit of total, complete breathlessness and awe. this used to be a staple. one in every pocket of my blinded world. i found it missing, then i missed it. now i despise the absence.

bring me back to green mazes and wings of gold. bring me back to dancing in darkness. carry me back through doors and rings and keep me there.

ensnare me.

push me. make me fall.

aye, aye, captain.

the longer i think on this the clearer it all gets. which, in all reality, is a total miracle. sometimes it can take hours or days to contemplate on howling and rationalize. it took me minutes.

so we’re designed to keep trying. designed to push and argue. i’m done with that.

we’re designed to let go when holding breaks bones and spirits. i’m done with that too.

we’re designed to break down and allow for waves and bends and curls and pauses.

I’m so. Done. With that.

because everything I want is right here. i just have to stop pushing. i have to keep holding. and i have to keep from breaking down.

i mean, really, the question here isn’t what i would do. or what i want.

it’s do i want this enough, do i love this enough to stop.

and I do.

napalm: boom, boom.

salt just makes me thirsty. ironic, isn’t it? as sweet as it all tastes, as right and kissed and warmed as it all is, it still just makes me thirsty. nothing really satisfies it. nothing soothes for long. nothing but hands. you have good hands. strong. flexible. they sting with cold. they shock. maybe that’s why i love them so much.

all of this elaboration is fruitless, you know. laughable. honestly it all has me smiling. i may seep white and grey, but all i feel is good, black paths. because i can’t possibly write this. i can’t even find it. i just know it’s there. there are sweet dark eyes and questions and breath. that’s enough for now. it’s enough forever.

i can wait.

long time no post

there is water. there is also screaming and fear. there’s glass. there’s wolves.
but mostly there’s water. and water hasn’t taught me anything! it flows and spills and cries and seeps and and stains. but water doesn’t hold. why can’t i hold?
steel holds. and there’s steel… but i can’t seem to hold the steel together. it melts. it bends. nothing about the water can hold the steel and be held at the same time… so what is water to do?
can water hold? water can calm. water can boil. water can warm. water can cool. water can caress.
but can i hold?
i can float. but not steel.
i can move steel. i can try.
There are wolves.
There is steel.

troy and tarleton.

there aren’t words for this one.

well…

let me rephrase that.

there’s one word for this one:    absence.

it’s rather intoxicating. numbing. maddening? mainly… I just kind of want to sleep.

Not like you and I do on a daily basis. I want to really, truly sleep. The kind of sleep where you don’t dream, you don’t think, and you wake up wondering where you are, what time it is, and who you are.  I had one hour of this beautiful insanity today, and i want it back.

And of course I feel guilty and angry and empty and broken. But more than that, beyond all of that is absence. Something’s not here. So I’m not really either.

Every over emotional ballad i’ve ever heard, every claim of love, every sonnet is spilling back over my mind in a wave of violent color. It doesn’t stop. I’m attached to things i never knew and connected to things i didn’t want.

un angel del cielo…

i’m going to sleep.

so cold.

lyrics. again.

the ones in italics belong to emery. i did not write them

the rest is mine, inspired by adoration.

Let’s start with just the basics then, even if it seems childish. There’s nothing in your world or mine that could make me sway. Increase the attention, downsize the sensation, and keep away from the frustration and all will be well.
I’m sure that we could fake it when they tell us we’re right. At least the days are getting longer. It’s time to say how much it meant, and how much time we clocked. And we walk out so innocent, marking our way out, shouting down the stairs to let them know.
You can be so persuasive, when you say it’s more than a day trip. You always use that tilted, innocent face and convince me. It’s not hard to believe you, so I do every time. But my teeth chatter and give me away, betraying my closed sentiments. I’m condescending when I ask, “Will this be ending?” You’re so convincing, with the hurt in your eyes and your head hung in shame. I’m constantly amazed at how quickly lust can pretend that it’s love.
We’re just the boys and girls that think they always know. Hindsight is 20/20, but we still feel like the kings and queens of truth and right. With answers for the world, it’s on our shoulders, but the weight isn’t heavy, it’s just breaking us down. When we start to fall apart, the ambiguity shows, but at least we have taste. We’re just the boys and girls that dance with all their clothes. We’re the silent majority, investing our minds. Hiding under the sheets, believing nobody knows about the angels in the closet, shutting the door on the monsters and demons.
All the suspense that we’ve created is boiling the blood in our veins, keeping us alive. Now it’s wasted and we can’t change it, but at least all is still right with the world. At least we can still pretend that the world is coming to an end someday soon. The beginning to the ending, I find myself remembering that verse from that book. The truth and the novelty kept me transfixed to the page, and the words still burn in my eyes. But unlike you, I’ve got something to smile about.
Again, I marvel at how quickly lust can pretend it’s love, designing words to help us believe, but keeping us on the line to the sounds of the elevator music. It’s so much more than just tonight, you have to understand where I’m coming from. We have got to get this right, and I’m not about to let you fall again. Walk with me, dance with me, I’ll help you hold on. You can dance on my toes, it won’t hurt me to watch you smile. How quickly words can become our hands, grasping for redemption, coming up solid. You want it more everyday. We give ourselves up, resigning everything we believe to the thought of warmth. You want it more.
You could be the one to stay, never leave me and never sway. Made from earth for just this day, you found me, though I still don’t know how. But something tells me it’s not right… that we weren’t made to be here. Some sense tells me that we could lose it all tonight, and that you’ll hurt me either way. I’m no better on my own, and I want you here. So I defy all the ones down here and the ones up there. We could feel alive tonight.
I leave the message on your phone, making up for the week of silence that left me weak in the knees. I’m always trying what I can to be a child, but you make it difficult because I want to protect you. The ambiguity shows.
My hands run across your clothes, picking up the scent you leave behind. I’ll never lose this trail. And me with all the plans, I try to be the desire you crave. I know it’s not working, but that’s ok. I’ve found my way, and I have a lamp to guide me. You turn me into something I’ll be. It’s hard to keep us boys and girls, when all we have to show for is another woman and man.